Announcing the new direction, members of the ‘Yes’ campaign said putting PwC on retainer will save months of campaigning and lead to a better result.

“It’ll give us unfettered access to Government policy – much more than The Voice ever would have. And we don’t need to muck around with a Referendum; we’ll just draw up a contract. It’ll all be sorted by the end of the week. I wish we’d thought of it earlier to be honest,” an Indigenous spokesperson said.

He responded to fears the system would create a two-tiered society that would see some Australians granted more rights than others. “Will it give us access to privileges that ordinary Australians don’t enjoy? Fuck yes! That’s the way this thing works! We’ll be able to shape policy to our advantage, get access to confidential information, meet with Ministers, the whole lot. This is nothing like The Voice, it’s proper, unconstrained access”.

The post Voice to Parliament Scrapped After Indigenous Leaders Realise Hiring PwC Will Give Better Access to Government appeared first on The Shovel.

“It’s one of a kind,” real estate agent Jamie McNichols said of the property. “A lot of people get fixated on the giant flames coming out of the windows. But once you look beyond the flames you’ll find an eminently stylish warehouse conversion contrasting charred brick walls with ash textures throughout. It’s dripping with charm. And a quite a lot of water too”.

He said one of the great things about warehouse conversions was the sense of open space. “There aren’t any walls at all in this warehouse – you can see from one end to the other and beyond, which gives this great sense of openness. And I love the new skylights – the light just floods in”.

The successful buyer, an investor, said he would list the property as a stylish inner-city rental.

The post Real Estate Agents List ‘Trendy, Light-Filled, Open-Plan Warehouse Conversion’ in Surry Hills appeared first on The Shovel.

“This is absolutely shattering. It’s going to significantly hamper our students’ chances to win the inter-collegiate polo championships in Oxfordshire next year,” the school’s principal said.

The polo field, which was due to be built in empty land between the school’s lacrosse stadium and 7,000 seat theatre complex, will now lay dormant for at least the next 12 months. “We might use it as a boutique vineyard or install a floating wetlands wellbeing landscape as a stopgap in the short term. But as far as polo is concerned, we’ll need to squeeze into fields 1, 2 and 3 for now. It’s hard to overstate what a setback this is”.

Other private schools in Victoria said they would also be affected. Melbourne Grammar has suggested its yoga and pilates studios may now need to be combined into one facility, and Geelong Grammar confirmed this morning that it will now review plans to install all four grand-slam surfaces in its tennis complex. “It’s heartbreaking to think that our kids may now miss the opportunity to get a feel for what it’s like to play on Roland Garros. They’ll have to wait the tennis camp to Paris later in the year,” a spokesperson for the school said. She reassured parents the school’s Space Program would still go ahead as planned.

The post HEARTBREAKING: Caulfield Grammar Forced to Mothball New Polo Field Due to Vic Government’s Private School Tax appeared first on The Shovel.

Under the proposal, a fax machine would be set up in an unused storeroom in Parliament House which people could fax ideas to between 10am and 3pm on Tuesdays.

“Whenever there’s an issue being debated in Parliament that may affect Indigenous Australians, we’ll try to remember to check if any faxes have come through,” Dutton said.

“The fax might need to share a phone line with the modem that’s in the storeroom at the moment, and I can’t guarantee it’ll always be full of paper. But otherwise it will be a dedicated communication point for Indigenous issues. I think this is a generous, sensible way to include First Australians in our national Parliament”.

He said he would also be open to a PO Box as an alternative to the Voice.

The post Voice Compromise: Dutton Proposes “Indigenous Fax Line to Parliament” appeared first on The Shovel.

“Welcome to Hell!” Satan proclaimed, explaining how the next two hundred trillion years will unfold.

“We’ll put on Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport, and randomly intersperse it with that agonisingly bad song Jake The Peg. That’ll take care of the first few million years. Then we’ll switch to a recording of you doing those weird fucking noises with your mouth and put that on loop for a trillion years. And then we’ll finish up with a few million centuries of the wobble board, the most annoying sound in the world! And then we’ll go back to the start again. How does that sound? Oh yeah, forgot to mention that you’ll have the didgaridoo you used to play inserted up your anus. Ok, show him to his room please!” 

Human rights activists have described the plan as ‘torture’ and ‘unusually cruel’. “We think it’s perfect,” one activist said.

The post Rolf Harris Forced to Listen to His Own Music for Eternity appeared first on The Shovel.

Saying he was initially confused by his friend’s recommendation to “definitely check out Rogan Josh if you want to get a totally different perspective”, Blake Simpson, 25, said he now understood what all the fuss was about. “It’s so fragrant and delicious. I’m not quite sure what it has to do with my views on the wokification of Western culture, or the criminal actions of vaccination companies. But with such aromatic flavours I can see why 11 million people a week are getting into it. Like my friends say, it can get a little spicy!” he said.

Simpson said his friends had warned him it can take up to three hours sometimes. “You’ve got to let it simmer for hours. But like my buddies, I generally just have it on while I’m working out or buying crypto”.

He said he was yet to get up to the recipes that included the n-word.

The post Dyslexic Conspiracy Theorist Follows Friend’s Advice to Get Into Rogan Josh appeared first on The Shovel.

Asked to name them, Dutton said there was no point because they all go by nicknames that you wouldn’t remember anyway. “Why don’t you believe me? They’re friends of my mate Johno who goes to another school in Toowoomba. You probably haven’t heard of it. We go to parties together all the time, but not near here – in other places that you haven’t been to.

“What’s that? Nah, I don’t have any photos of them because I lost my phone yesterday and when I found it again all the photos of them had been deleted. Same with the text message convos I have with them every day where they tell me that The Voice sucks and they hate it”.

_______

Headline by David at The Berran Extra 

The post Dutton Says He Has Loads of Indigenous Mates Who Oppose the Voice but You Wouldn’t Know Them Because They Go to Another School appeared first on The Shovel.

“We just want our opinions to be heard without being told to move along. And the best way to do that is to dress in black, hold an Australian flag and salute the Fuhrer,” a climate protester, who did not want to be named until he was dressed up as a neo Nazi, said.

He said the new strategy was a practical measure to ensure their voice was heard. “When we call for an end to fossil fuel usage we generally get told to vacate the area. So we’re hoping that if we call for an end to fossil fuel usage and all Jewish people, we’ll get to continue on with our protest”.

The protester confirmed that the classic Australian neo-Nazi costume included a black t-shirt, black shorts and a note from your Mum reminding you to be home for dinner by 7pm.

The post Climate Protesters to Dress Up as Neo-Nazis, in New Strategy to Avoid Being Hassled by Police appeared first on The Shovel.

“We would have had a situation where an elderly man, brandishing a pen he’s just used to sign an international agreement, is slowly walking towards a crowd of people. He’d be tasered within seconds,” a spokesperson for the Secret Service said.

NSW Police confirmed the threat of an 80-year-old walking freely amongst other Quad-partner delegates was too great. “Who knows what could happen? You can imagine a scenario where a conversation at the post-conference networking event turns sour, and all of a sudden you have an octogenarian charging at a slow walking pace towards delegates wielding a canape toothpick, or worse, a swizzle stick. We would’ve had to neutralise that threat,” a police official explained.

The White House said Biden would remain in the safety of the United States, where police officers never use tasers. “Semi-automatic rifles, sure. Tasers, never”.

_____________

Headline by Anthony Bell

The post Biden Trip Cancelled Due to Risk of Being Tasered by NSW Police appeared first on The Shovel.

“I’m a big supporter of free speech – as long as it is impartial, innocuous and behind closed doors,” Malinauskas said.

“The problem with these recent protests is that they have been out in the open where other people can see them. And some of the protests have been dealing with topics that can be a little contentious. It’s not in the spirit of the thing.”

Under the proposed changes, protest groups would submit their signs and chants for pre-approval, and then be assigned a room in which to hold their protest.

The Premier said there were plenty of chants protesters could use that would not challenge or upset anyone.

“One of the chants I used to like at university was:

‘What do we want?’

‘An orderly preservation of the status quo’

‘When do we want it?’

‘Over the next forty to fifty years, preferably longer’

“It still sends a tingle down my spine”.

The post South Australia Agrees to Allow Protests if They Don’t Take Place in Public or Express an Opinion appeared first on The Shovel.

A government spokesperson said PwC was chosen as the preferred partner, given its in-depth understanding of PwC and its operations. “We received proposals from a range of different consultancies and PwC were able to demonstrate a superior understanding of the day-to-day processes within PwC. They actually showed remarkable insight,” the spokesperson said.

He defended claims the Government has become too reliant on consultants, saying it was necessary in order to access specific skills. “The consultants at PwC have a specialist knowledge of organisations such as PwC which is difficult to find within Government,” he said.

PwC has described the review as a “Root and branch, multi-faceted, granular-level deep dive, designed to unpack the operational rhythms and processes of PwC”.

The post Government Engages Consulting Firm PwC to Investigate How Confidential Treasury Information Was Shared by Consulting Firm PwC appeared first on The Shovel.

“I’ll have to take a rain-check on the Australian trip I’m afraid. But I’ll have my lederhosen ready for 2024!” he told journalists. “Keep a Weissbier cold for me”.

He said the US and Austria had a special relationship stretching back decades. “They’ve been an important ally in many of our most important conflicts, particularly World War II. We don’t forget that,” he said.

The post Biden Postpones Australia Trip, But Still Hopes To Get To Vienna Next Year appeared first on The Shovel.

“Ideal for someone just out of university who has a proven track-record in managing teams across multiple disciplines and is looking to take their first step into the working world,” the job advertisement read.

Paying $37,500 pa with the potential for further growth, the ideal candidate would be able to demonstrate prior experience in senior management roles, possibly with a stint working interstate or overseas, or running their own business. “Here’s your opportunity to get your career off to a flying start,” the ad explained.

Responsibilities include note-taking, printing reports and other administrative tasks. Serious candidates only.

The post Entry Level Job Requires 25 Years’ Experience appeared first on The Shovel.

“We’re having budget surplus for dinner tonight!” mother Kathy Baker told her kids, relieved that she’d finally be able to put something on the table.

Asked what a budget surplus tastes like, she told her children she wasn’t sure. “A lot of people are saying it’s sweet, but then I’ve also heard it’s quite healthy, so I’m really excited to see it too!”

The post Family Living Below Poverty Line Excited to Be Having Budget Surplus for Dinner Tonight appeared first on The Shovel.

The weekly payment now totals $366, enough to easily feed and house a family of four before the turn of the century.

“I kinda don’t know what I’m going to do with all the extra cash,” one Jobseeker recipient said today. “With $20 extra a week I’d be able to fill up the car with petrol if it was 1983”.

She said if she puts the extra amount aside in a savings account, she’ll have enough for the deposit on a house by 2125.  

The post Jobseeker Increase Means Recipients Can Now Afford To Rent an Apartment in Sydney in 1994 appeared first on The Shovel.

With the Labor Government apparently set to deliver Australia’s first surplus in over a decade, Morrison said he was simply making the most of an opportunity. “I’m a marketing man. Couldn’t give a stuff whether it’s Labor or Liberal who’s delivered the surplus. If there’s a buck in it for me, I’m there”.

He said he was running out of other options to make money. “I’m literally unemployable once I leave Parliament. Selling old merchandise out of the back of my car is pretty-much the only prospect I have. I’ll do two for $30. Get one for your Mum for Mother’s Day. Ok, how about two for $25?”

The post Scott Morrison Spotted Trying To Sell Old ‘Back in Black’ Mugs Out of Car Boot appeared first on The Shovel.

An emotional Robert paid tribute to his family businesses, and those of his friends, saying they’d always been a motivation to him.

“It’s been tough on them. I’ve missed some of their most important milestones. In some cases it led to divorce – under section 44 of the Constitution – so they could later win government contracts. In some cases I had to get my father to look after them.

“But they’ve always been central to my thoughts, and it’s been hard being away from them for such long stretches,” Robert explained.

Robert confirmed that, from next month, he would not be representing the interests of his electorate. “So no change there,” he said.

The post Stuart Robert Resigns to Spend More Time With His Family Businesses appeared first on The Shovel.

If ordinary people were being forced to choose between paying an electricity bill and putting food on the table, then sitting on a throne while being anointed with oil poured from a solid gold flask could have seemed a bit gross.

But luckily for the King, stressing about how to afford groceries for the family or clothes for the kids is the last thing on people’s mind. So playing dress-ups in a gold-lined silk tunic and sapphire-encrusted ring while wearing a 2.3kg hat made from 44 separate gem stones, didn’t seem out of place at all.

Imagine how it would have looked if there were people out there facing homelessness due to the cost of housing, and there you are strutting about with literal fucking orbs and sceptres – mounted with clusters of emeralds, rubies and sapphires, and surrounded by rose-cut diamonds and rows of pearls!

Or think of the uproar if there were families going without heating over winter, and you’re there showing off your crown that’s got the largest rough diamond ever found sitting on top. The whole thing would be shut down! People would accuse you of being born with a silver spoon! (Which, actually, turned out to be more than just a metaphor when the Archbishop of Canterbury presented you with the silver-gilt ‘Coronation Spoon’ that you now own).

So, all in all, I think we can say the whole thing was a resounding success. The optics, as they say, were spot on. The new King will be relieved. Because if the people he supposedly represents were struggling to make ends meet right now, then the sight of people kneeling down in front of a throne to kiss his hand while trumpets sounded, would all look a little off.

The post Lucky There Isn’t a Cost-Of-Living Crisis, Otherwise Parading About With a Diamond Encrusted Orb Might Look Out of Touch appeared first on The Shovel.

Officials claimed that the Archbishop of Canterbury had been assigned the sacred role, however Mr Wilson says he was unaware of any such arrangements and was merely helping out on behalf of those present.

“No-one else was around to do it, so I stepped up,” Wilson said, insisting he did not realise the Archbishop was there as a representative of God. “God was not at the Coronation ceremony in his own community, so I took it upon myself to perform the task. Coronations should not be politicised,” Wilson said.

In the end, after a minor scuffle, the Archbishop and Mr Wilson jointly held the spoon as they approached the Monarch to anoint him.

Officials say Wilson was not invited to the event. Wilson says he just happened to be in the area.

The post Awkward Scenes as Tim Wilson Insists on Anointing King Charles appeared first on The Shovel.

Here, we explain the history behind the eccentric rites and sacred ornaments. Use it as your guide as you watch this momentous event.

11am GMT: The King will arrive at Westminster Abbey on a horse-drawn carriage. This follows a tradition first begun by Henry III after he found it typically fucking impossible to get an Uber in central London on a Saturday morning.

The procession into the Abbey by dignitaries and Archbishops will then begin. At the head of procession is The Coronation Cross, a hand-crafted item which is made up of a number of relics, including a donation from the Vatican – a shard of wood from the cross on which Jesus Christ was crucified. It also contains fragments of wicker from Easter Bunny’s original egg basket.

The King and Queen Consort will enter Westminster Abbey through the Royal Entry (at least that’s what Charles has always called it). For this Coronation, King Charles is demonstrating sensitivity to the current economic climate by re-using the $4 billion Crown Jewels from last the Coronation, rather than rushing out to buy a whole new outfit.

The Royal Regalia – the Coronation Orb, Sceptre, Ring and Sword – will then be laid on the alter. These items were first bought by King Edward I’s Mum as part of a ‘Medieval Novelty Showbag’ at the Canterbury Summer Fair in 1301. The Coronation whoopie cushion, which was also included in the showbag, has sadly been lost to history.

The King will then be led to the ‘Chair of Estate’ – stolen from a council housing estate by Richard III in 1484 – and presented to the people by the Archbishop of Canterbury. Charles will be clothed in the ‘Robe of State’, coloured red to represent the blood on the hands of the Royal Family following centuries of colonisation and plunder. Just kidding. It symbolises wealth and prosperity.

“King Charles is handed the Coronation Fitted Sheet and is tasked with folding it neatly into a square. No symbolism here, it just adds to the spectacle”

---

The ‘anointment’ – the most sacred part of the ceremony beings – as Charles strips down to a simple white garment, representing humility and ‘the stripping of earthly vanity and riches’ and symbolising that the royals have never done irony well.

The Archbishop will then anoint the heir to the throne using the Coronation Spoon – a literal ‘silver spoon’, which is only used when a new monarch is anointed, and has been criticised as being a bit too heavy-handed, as far as metaphors go. The Coronation Spoon was, of course, originally used by King George II during a heroin binge at Windsor castle in 1760. It later led to the establishment of a safe injecting room in Buckingham Palace in 1764.

The Coronation Spoon is filled with a special Coronation Oil and, as has been practised in every coronation since 1281, the new Monarch will add a dash of balsamic vinegar and salt, and dip in a piece of crusty bread. Delicious!

The King will then be handed the sacred Coronation Steak Knives – first acquired by King George II as part of a limited-time special offer when he bought two pillows in 1735. The Coronation Tampon will also placed on the alter, symbolising that time Charles went fucking weird and fantasised about being a menstrual product.

Then, in a particularly special moment, King Charles is handed the Coronation Fitted Sheet and is tasked with folding it neatly into a square. No symbolism here, it just adds to the spectacle. Wonderful!

We move to one of the most solemn and important parts of the ceremony now, as The Archbishop of Canterbury hands King Charles the Coronation Banana, which has been used in every coronation since 1508. It’s a little passed its best. Actually it’s fucking disgusting. The thing is absolutely rancid. Tradition though.

Once the King has rubbed some of the banana juice on his forehead, we move to a very sacred moment in the Coronation. Charles will accept the Coronation Bong, pack it, and punch 7 cones, one for each of the 4 countries that make up the United Kingdom and another 3 because maths was never the Royal Family’s strong suit. This tradition was of course begun by Queen Anne all those years ago.

Charles, as per tradition, will then perform the ‘Calling For the Coronation Munchies’ exactly eleven times, before two royal guards bring out the sacred items: three pepperoni pizzas and a box of Cheerios, which are kept in the Tower of London and have not been restocked since 1953.

And finally, to signal the end of the ceremony, trumpets will sound as the assembled guests join in the traditional Royal Chant: ‘We Hate Meghan Markle!’ ‘Why Did She Straighten Her Hair!’ ‘Down With Meghan Markle!’

The post Your Guide to the Coronation appeared first on The Shovel.

Peter Dutton said it was his expectation that when a new meal was added to the weekly roster, there would be a wide-ranging consultation process first. “Is this a creamy chicken casserole? Is it a chicken and chorizo casserole? Will seconds be available? These are the sorts of questions that need to be ironed out before asking the family to just blindly accept what’s put on the table,” Mr Dutton said.

Despite Ms Dutton providing the recipe book to her husband, as well as a series of notes she had taken during the preparation of the dish, Mr Dutton said he was not satisfied. “There is a lot of detail that has been requested and there are many more questions that have been posed today as a result of a recipe that was put forward this evening,” he said in a statement.

This morning Mr Dutton posted an open letter to his wife entitled, ’15 Questions Surrounding the Chicken Casserole You Cooked Last Night’. He is yet to receive a response.

The post Dutton Family Dinner Turns Awkward as Opposition Leader Demands More Detail on Chicken Casserole appeared first on The Shovel.

Charles (surname not provided) from London, is one of a record 173,000 older workers who have entered employment in recent months in Britain. The grandfather of five said there had been a time when he felt he may never work in his lifetime. “But when the opportunity to take on a role that came with a $450 million sign-on bonus presented itself, I felt obliged to take up the position,” he said.

He will be paid around $145 million a year, which is believed to be above the minimum wage.

While some have said it is inappropriate for people in their seventies to be working, regardless of the state of the economy, others have pointed out that the man’s role will only include light duties.

_______________

Headline by Matt Harvey @mattharveystuff 

(first published September 2022) 

The post Cost of Living Crisis Forces Unemployed 74-Year-Old to Take First Ever Job appeared first on The Shovel.

Charles III from the House of Windsor Party is strong favourite to win the ballot, even though he does not live in the electorate. He has not promised to move to the electorate if he wins.

Laura Hickson from the Australian Electoral Commission said Australia’s preferential voting system meant people could be sure their votes would not be wasted. “Whether you support Charles III or Charles III, or even a candidate like Charles III, your vote will count. That’s the beauty of our system”.

She said, apart from a few technicalities, it was easy to throw your hat in the ring for the Head of State position. “One of the great things about our democracy is that anyone who is the first born child of the previous ruling monarch of Great Britain can run for the position. As long as you meet that criteria, and you’re not a dual citizen, you can run”.   

_________________

Image/concept by Adrian Risch

The post Ballot for Electing Australian Head of State Revealed appeared first on The Shovel.

Health researcher Sam Terragul said an extensive enquiry into the industry had provided irrefutable evidence of the dangers of vaping.

“If you vape, you could get cancer. But more concerningly you’ll look like a clown-act on a steam train. What are you doing, auditioning for a role on Thomas the Tank Engine? Off you toot!” he said.

Health Minister Mark Butler said the tobacco industry was trying to create a new generation of stupid looking tools whose personality is completely tied to being able to blow smoke in the air. “‘It’s the bitcoin of smoking products. The last thing we want to do is normalise putting a re-chargeable smoking pencil in your mouth. The government is determined to stamp out this ridiculous epidemic”.

With Matt Harvey @mattharveystuff 

The post Vaping Increases Risk of Looking Fucking Ridiculous, Study Shows appeared first on The Shovel.

The former Minister for Employment claimed $239,493.27 on ‘printing and communications’ expenses in one financial year, spent almost $17,000 of taxpayer money on ‘personalised letterhead stationary’, and has been involved in a number of companies that later won government contracts. Robert was also a leading figure in the Robodebt scandal, which involved the largest group fuck in the history of Australia.

Experts say the laws will provide extra safety, claiming Roberts may have been forced to engage in a number of unsafe acts at the behest of lobbyists. Others say the law-change is an acknowledgement that previous efforts have failed, and Stuart Robert fleecing the taxpayer is always going to be part of our society.

“We can pretend it doesn’t exist, or we can say, ‘Stuart Robert will probably try to fuck us again for his $1,000-a-month broadband bill and that’s just part of life,’” one legal expert said.

____________

By Matt Harvey @mattharveystuff 

The post Decriminalisation Of Sex Work in Queensland Means Stuart Robert Can Continue To Fuck Country For Money appeared first on The Shovel.

“Due to unforeseen circumstances, the speech will now take place at 5:30am next Thursday morning”, the email advised. Qantas has apologised for any inconvenience caused.  [See the full email below].

The post Alan Joyce Receives Email Advising That His Resignation Speech Has Been Rescheduled appeared first on The Shovel.

“All we need to do is put our towels on the rack rather than on the floor and we’ve basically solved global warming,” Lily said, while checking their flight details to Spain for the following week.

“I’ll be honest, it’s a hassle to reach up and put a towel on a rack. But it feels so good to know we’re doing our bit,” Mark said. “I don’t feel so guilty about the 7-seat SUV I bought for the two of us last year, now that I’m going to use the same towel twice”.

He said it was good to know the hotel they had chosen was committed to saving our planet’s precious resources. “It’s good to know they put the environment over profits”.

Asked if they would use the towels for the full three days of their stay, Lily and Mark said they weren’t animals. “Don’t be disgusting”.

_________

Headline by Andrew Biro

The post Tourists Who Took 16,000km Flight Save Planet by Re-using Hotel Towels appeared first on The Shovel.

Described variously by critics as ‘brave’, ‘provocative’ and ‘absolutely fucking nuts’, the $700 million commissioned piece involves starving thousands of citizens while a football stadium is constructed in real time.

“It’s a thought-provoking work that juxtaposes Australia’s obsession with ‘eating’ with its love-affair with sport,” a description of the work reads.

Developed to tie in with Dark Mofo’s 2023 theme ‘reflection’, Albo explained that the work is actually a satirical piece which asks us to reflect on the treatment of the poor in one of the world’s wealthiest countries while listening to him speak about how he grew up in government housing.

“I’m not sure if you know this about me, but I grew up in government housing, so there’s an extra subtle layer of irony in this piece for astute viewers,” he explained.

Art commentators say the work is at once mystifying and confronting. “A lot of people would say that there’s already a football stadium in Hobart. This piece forces viewers to ask themselves, ‘but is there?”” one art critic mused.  Another said it was a clever take on the bootstraps narrative often peddled by politicians. “What this piece says is: ‘Imagine how many future PMs we can get by allowing thousands of Australians to fight their way out of poverty with nothing but sheer will’”.

The piece is made possible by a tax-payer funded grant.

_____________

By Matt Harvey @mattharveystuff 

The post Dark Mofo’s Most Controversial Installation Yet: Thousands Left To Starve While AFL Stadium is Constructed appeared first on The Shovel.

A source at the company said Morrison was highly skilled at suddenly becoming invisible when things went wrong. “Scott has some of the most advanced in-built avoidance technology we’ve encountered, so we’re looking forward to applying those learnings to our submarines, as well as our fighter jets,” the source said.

“I can imagine a situation where one of our subs comes under fire in Chinese waters and then seconds later re-materialises in Hawaii. That’s the sort of technology we think Scott can help us develop”.

He said Morrison’s ability to blend into any given setting will also be useful in developing camouflage technology. “The guy moved from Eastern Sydney to the Shire and within seconds was wearing Sharkies gear and eating meat pies. If we can get our fighter jets to change stripes as quickly as Morrison does, they’ll be indestructible”.

Asked whether he had accepted the defence role, Morrison said “It’s not my job”, although it is uncertain whether that was a genuine answer to the question, or a reflex response.

The post Morrison’s New Defence Role To Involve Teaching AUKUS Subs How To Magically Disappear When Under Fire appeared first on The Shovel.

“Mark has a choice,” an angry PM told journalists today. “Put an end to the nastiness, the homophobic comments, the attention-seeking stunts, or I’ll be left with no option than to call him an Australian success story and accept his invitation to drink cocktails in Sydney Harbour”.

Albanese strongly condemned Latham’s recent homophobic tweet directed at MP Alex Greenwich, saying there had to be consequences for such behaviour. “There is simply no place in today’s society for those sorts of comments, which I’m more than happy to explain to Mark over a martini and canapés at his next wedding reception”.

___________

Headline by David at The Berran Extra 

The post Albanese Warns That if Latham Makes One More Homophobic Comment He’ll Have No Choice but To Attend His Wedding appeared first on The Shovel.